"New things"

I'm supposed to give this to my boss for my first quarter evaluation but I won't. It's too honest and too personal. And because I don't want to waste this, I'm gonna post this here.

This new job is of an entirely different nature. To say that I was culture-shocked is an understatement. I am completely lost and for the first time in five years, I felt vulnerable.

My first few weeks were the hardest—and the darkest—so to speak. I once wrote in my journal how much respect I have now for the blind because during that time I didn’t know what to do; what’s the purpose of my tasks; and why am I doing all these things. I tried to find answers to my questions, well not the technical questions but to the same query people asked me when I moved in to a market research company from media.

There were even times when I tried to ask myself if I really did the right thing but I guess there really is no right or wrong decision only right or wrong reaction to the consequences of that decision.

I almost gave up. No, I did give up. I was willing to give up and accept my defeat. But through it all, I found a friend who is not willing to give up on me. And that made me look deeper into what I really need to do.

Challenging
On the onset, the job seems easy; the pressure insignificant. I knew I can do this. But as I mentioned, when you suddenly become blind, you feel weak and useless.

I was grateful that people entrust me with their projects even with the knowledge that I have no idea to what I needed to do. I am thankful to some people who are willing to extend help. That is the one thing that I treasure here especially with the people in research. One would ask: Need help? Or one would say: If you have questions don’t hesitate to ask. (Sadly, that person is no longer here.)

The job, as I am slowly realizing now that I am having some direction, is challenging, challenging in the sense that it is too technical for me. I must say that when I was on the writing part of the job, I am happy. When I am done with that part, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

I have problems with the particulars in project management simply because I didn’t know what to do or what to look out for then. I often asked myself why I didn’t know that. I felt stupid and ineffective. That was the time I really wanted to give up.

The most terrifying thing for me was the briefing and I really dread reporting in the future. I was with media so it should not be a problem, right? The thing is, in media I had all the excuse if I couldn’t answer certain things: I am media so I should be the one asking all the questions. But now, I understand that presentations are like defending your thesis. So that part, although inevitable in this job, is not something I am really looking forward to. The analysis and writing part? I say, bring it on.

Initially, I thought I was just frustrated with some people but as I write this now, I am coming into terms that it was the job and me that I had problems with.

Coming into an unfamiliar playing field is like suicide if not handled well.

The people who know market research say that it is exciting. I may need some more months to appreciate that statement. I am still in the comprehension part so I still cannot grasp what is really fun with it. But I know there is something special about it which I am very much willing to discover.

Environment
I felt welcomed on my first day. I knew that people are warm and friendly. It’s a small group so I thought it’s going to be fun. But just like any other organization, there will be communication problems. I don’t see that many people as the problem per se, but how they convey their message to others. I’m not sure if it’s the pressure of the work or it’s just the nature of the corporate world. I don’t know if seminars can fix the problem or a one-on-one heart-to-heart talk would be effective (at all). What I realized is that, if I speak to them kindly which is genuine on my part, I get positive results. Yelling, screaming, sarcasm may be effective at times and only when needed but proper communication, as long as the other parties are willing, can make work easier and life happier.

I don’t really see the point of humiliating others. I don’t understand what it can achieve or for what purpose it is done. I call this “the fear factor.”

I’m not sure if I am already in the position to say this with only three months tenure to boast of but this is a really nice bunch. People are willing to help others; when someone is crying one will get water to calm down; when someone is yelled at, people feel sorry for the person. This is a caring group: considerate and selfless.

I don’t know how and if it will ever be achieved but, we can bring out the best in each other, only if we are all willing to. Tough task.